A Match Made in Hell
by Cazcatharsis
Summary: 2007movieverse: drabbles: The newest addition to the Decepticon team has Frenzy acting... well, normal... much to the chagrin and amusement of the guys. Warning for cussing and implied smexings between spastic bots
1. Chapter 1

(1)

Barricade was getting dizzy.

He'd been watching Frenzy chase the new recruit around his legs for the past 40 seconds, chittering and squeaking and generally sounding…horny. Which not only disturbed the black and white Mustang, but brought to mind memories of having to pry the spastic little mech off the poor screaming femme multiple times this week. If he had to watch Frenzy hump the little Xbot one more time, he'd fritz.

On the next pass he swept a giant hand down and gently plucked up the little green and grey femme, then snatched Frenzy up by the head and left him to dangle in his other hand.

"YOU! Quit attempting overload with the new girl." He shook Frenzy for emphasis, earning him an innocent blue-eyed look that didn't fool him one bit. He then addressed Xbot. "And YOU, quit provoking him." The little femme merely blinked at him… then gave him the finger. Frenzy did the same.

Surprising him even more, the little femme spoke for the first time in Barricade's memory. "What? Ever heard of Foreplay? Geez!" Then she looked at Frenzy. "He totally killed my trip. We need more coffee."

"Yeahyeahyeah, coffee! COFFEE! Then lots and lots of OVERLOAD."

"God, you're a horny little bastard aren't ya?"

Too dumbfounded to protest, Barricade didn't make a move as the two little bots wriggled free from his grasp and jumped to the floor, chattering away and running off hand in hand to the mess hall. While they skipped across the floor, Barricade heard the little femme whisper "We've gotta find less public places to screw around… that's, like, five times this week he's spoiled it!"

"Eeeee! Yeah! What about Bonecrusher?"

The little Xbot stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh, Frenzy, that's evil!" She paused, then stroked a tiny hand down the seam that covered his spark… "I like it."

Frenzy's legs twitched and Barricade swore he heard the little bugger growl. "F-f-f-fuck the coffee, let's go."

Barricade made the smart decision and left the base for 'patrol' before Bonecrusher woke up. He didn't want to be there for that… unpleasantness.


	2. boner

(2)

Bonecrusher hated dreaming. He hated the weird flashing lights and the feeling like there was something crawling around his innards. He hated the strange voices and the scratching sensations.

"Frenzy! Oh! OH! Oh, do that again!"

cackle "Frenzy loves t-t-tappin' that asssssssss."

squeal

FLASH

"OOOOOOOOOOOH! Oh, damn boy, you know how to do me right!"

"Frenzy knows everything."

"Oh really? Do you know what this does?"

pause "N-n-nooo."

"Then you don't know EVERYTHING, do you?"

bzzzzzzzzzz

"That t-t-t-ickles!" pause "Do it again!"

But most of all, he hated waking up and realizing it was not a dream. "What the Pit?"

"Oh shit."

"Run?"

"Rrrrrrrrun. Hide behind CadeCade."

Bonecrusher hated Barricade too, and was quite sure this was HIS idea. "GET OUT OF ME, YOU DIRTY LITTLE BASTARDS!"

All Bonecrusher heard after that was two screeching voices and two pairs of little metal feet skittering madly away from him. "Glitched out psycho-bots." He attempted transformation so he could at least shoot one rocket off at the quickly retreating couple, but something inside him started to smoke halfway through. Only his head and one arm made it free, but the rest was still in alt-mode.

Blackout walked into the room and, seeing Bonecrusher stuck in mid-transformation, just HAD to ask what the hell happened.

"THE LITTLE FUCKERS FRIED HALF MY CIRCUITS! I'M STUCK!"

Blackout fell over laughing. "Next time lock yourself up, dumbass!"

Bonecrusher hated Blackout too.


	3. blackie

(3)

Blackout did what he could for his sparking bitching comrade, replacing charred circuitry and fried wires so that Bonecrusher could finally transform…which he did, Blackout was promptly told how much he was hated.

"You're welcome you ungrateful slagheap." He waved gaily and tromped out of the room before Bonecrusher threw something heavy at him. He couldn't afford to get his rotors damaged again…

Halfway through the next room Blackout nearly shorted himself when a little silver blur sped past him.

"Hey, watch it, nearly stepped on ya, little buddy."

"Ssssorry Blackie!"

And **woosh** he was gone.

Blackout couldn't help it, he liked the little spastic hacker. He kept things entertaining, helped him clean out his rotors when things got stuck in there (like that one time he crashed into a hayfield and got straw stuck in some of the more sensitive parts), and drove Bonecrusher absolutely insane with rage. That, and it was nice to have someone around whose name didn't start with B, though Primus forbid Starscream ever came back… Blackout'd rather have his innards rearranged with a shovel.

Distracted by his own thoughts, Blackout nearly collided with the little hacker again as he zoomed past, holding some strange thing containing brown liquid… _oh no._ This time he followed the little guy, trying to be as quiet as possible (which was considerably difficult from his bulk alone), and found him skittering about a tiny (to him) steel tub. He ducked down to the floor, laying flat to make himself as small as possible, and settled down for the show.

He watched as Frenzy, with considerable difficulty, scaled the side of the tub, scratching and clawing his way up with three of his four arms, the other still grasping the coffee pot.

"Need some help muffin?" called a sweet feminine voice from inside the tub. Blackout watched a green and grey arm reach out and Frenzy grabbed it, hoisted easily with his Prize over the edge of the tub and right into it. There was a rather substantial splash of brown liquid as he landed, followed by high-pitched giggles.

"Eager, aren't we?"

"More Coffee!"

"Oh thank you, the tub is cooling off WAY too fast."

There was a contented hum and the fresh pot was added to the mix, and Blackout just about lubricated himself realizing that the two little mechs were bathing in Frenzy's favourite Sumatran dark roast.

"What was that?"

Two little heads appeared on the edge of the tub, eight optics zeroed in on Blackout's not so hidden position.

"YOU!"

"P-p-pervert!"

"Can't a couple 'o mechs have some private time around here?" Xbot screeched, and Blackout rolled away and out of the room just in time to avoid the shattered glass of the coffee pot that was flung angrily at him.

"Aaaaah! My favourite pot!"

"Oh, shit! I'm so sorry babe."

Frenzy made a sad sound, and as Blackout crawled away he heard Xbot splash him. "Here, I'll make it up to you."

**Bzzzzzzzrrrrt!**

"Eeee!"

"Like that?"

"Frenzy didn't know your t-t-tail could do that!"

**SPLASH!**

"Just wait til you find out what happens when you press this!"

Blackout got up and ran when the strobe-light effect of the two manic spark-happy couple getting' it on got to be too much for even his experienced optics.

XXXXX

**A/N: Yeah… thank the tf2007fun girls at LJ for this, they warped me completely. hahahaha**


	4. Get Out

After the very fun reviews I've been getting from Bunnylass and you others (who I wish I could glomp, you rule), and to get my 'writeyblood' flowing again, I thought I'd continue this one. Mwahah.

* * *

(4)

After the coffee-bath incident the remaining Decepticons (the ones over four feet tall at least) decided that if the two coffee-sparking-giggling mini-mechs were going to harass anyone into complete madness, it should be the Autobots, not them.

It took 20 minutes of planning, five minutes of convincing Blackout (who really didn't mind their presence) that it was a good plan and another five booting Bonecrusher out of the base before they broke it to the spastic couple.

"Barricade will transport you to their new base tomorrow and pick you back up again in the designated area three days hence." Blackout explained to the two half-conscious mechs who even now floated in their tub of coffee, which had long gone cold. They were beyond caring, little metallic bodies still buzzing with leftover overloady goodness.

Barricade liked the idea of getting a small vacation from the skittering couple, but was displeased with being their elected transportation. He liked his interior clean and scratch-free. He leaned somewhat casually against the wall and tried not to be jealous of Frenzy for getting laid so much, instead tried to think of the chaos being unleashed unto the Autobots instead, and of the peaceful days ahead. Mission objectives were secondary in his mind.

"B-b-but there's nothing of any significance happening therrrrre!" Frenzy protested feebly, waving one of his hands around and creating a mini-wave in the tub of dark brown liquid. Xbot shook her head in agreement, glaring suspiciously at the two larger mechs.

"He's right, guys. Why the hell should we risk our necks for this obviously bullshit mission?"

Blackout and Barricade nearly shrivelled to nothingness under the gaze of the mistrustful and obviously irritated female, and Blackout began to reconsider Bonecrusher's original plan of just shooting them both into space… at least there the female couldn't rend him limb from limb.

_Strength_. The single word transmitted to Blackout along with a quick look from Barricade was obviously supposed to be supportive but it could never defend him from a fragged off female, no matter how small she was, and Blackout transmitted his thoughts on the subject back to Barricade, who'd unknowingly taken a small step back out of the room.

_This was your idea, coward. You answer em'. _With that, Blackout nabbed the black & white cruiser's arm and yanked him in front, right in full view of the now rising mini-mech and her very twitchy mate. Even dripping coffee and still spurting static from various orifices, they were intimidating. The larger mechs knew not to underestimate the two, despite their size.

With the ease of someone who's been lying all his existence, Barricade drew out a whopper, and a rather plausible one at that. The smaller mech eased himself into a knelt position, leaving himself vulnerable to attack but conveying a beleivable sincerity, and placed one clawed hand on the edge of the tub. Blackout half-admired him for a moment there, Barricade sure could pull off the drama when he wanted to, and he hadn't even spoken yet!

"When was the last time we even got a sniff of an Autobot? Three weeks ago?" He spoke softly, looking each of the two directly in the optic.

Frenzy appeared to think a moment, then chirred his affirmation.

"What have they been doing since then?"

Xbot's fight drained from her body and she leaned back into Frenzy, stroked his upper right arm. "I don't know."

"Where have they been? Have they heard any signals from anybody in space? If so, was it theirs, or one of ours?"

Frenzy blinked. He was still waiting on Soundwave, pining for that monotone voice and the warmth of his creator's mind. What if he had already arrived, and the Autobots had gotten to him first…

"What have they been working on? New weaponry? New energy sources? A way back to Cybertron?"

The coffee-soaked couple both hung their heads. Frenzy, in a moment of rare calmness, spoke quietly. "We don't know."

Barricade gave them a smile of sympathy that Blackout could see right through, and gently placed a finger under their hung 'chins', tilting them up so he could see their faces. "You see, we need you to do this. You're the smallest of us, the most cunning, you can sneak in and out and get information we need to survive, and possibly rescue our comrades. Right now, you two are our most valuable assets."

_Oh, he's good_. Blackout nodded in both admiration of Barricade's seduction and to back up his plea.

The two mini-mechs fell for it immediately, and agreed.

"Let's go." Said Xbot, gripping her mate's hand and standing, determined and ready.

_We're going to the Pit for this… _

* * *

LOL, one of these days i'll have to, ya know, go through and edit my shit... *snerk* Next chapter... not sayin'. :D

(hugs&coffee)

~Caz


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